Christmas Gifts

The best gift I got this year was getting all my privileges back. I'd been grounded since July for doing stupid things against my parents rules and I finally got them all back! Break's almost over though, I'm not ready to go back I'm having fun during my time off.

Christmas Wish

My Christmas wish this year was to have a white Christmas. Unfortunately, that didn't happen :( but I still had a really good Christmas. It wasn't the gifts so much as just everyone being so cheerful and being able to spend time with family and friends.

My Cousin

My favorite family member to be around would have to be my four year old cousin Bre. She cracks me up. The other day she said something really fast and we didn't understand her. My brother asked her what she said. She made a clucking noise with her tongue and looks over at me smacks my leg and goes, "He don't speak spanish". She always comes up with whacky little games and things to play. She loves dancing she calls one of her dances "The Bre Wiggle". We have a lot in common, we're both usually really happy and silly, but we have a bad temper and we're incredibly stubborn. I love how she talks to she has a variety of accents. Sometimes she sounds southern, sometimes she sounds like she's from Brooklyn or New Jersey, and sometimes she talks very proper. You can't be in a room with her with out laughing. I love spending time with her.

Finals Are Over!

I took my very last final this morning. The stress just melted away, after the teacher gave me my score and I found out that I have passed all my classes. I was so stressed this week it's been crazy. Now we have two weeks off for Christmas and I can't wait! It's not the presents that I'm excited about really, well maybe a little, but mainly it's just how everyone is always happier and more carefree during the Christmas season. I love seeing the look on my little cousin's face when she shreds the paper and pulls out a shiny new toy. I love Christmas!

Pre-Calculus!

The worst class ever created is Pre-Calculus. No joke, it's horrible I hate it. My teacher gives me a day and a half to memorize "the unit circle", I think this full qualifies as torture. Anyway, if you don't know what a unit circle is look it up and you'll understand my pain, it took me an hour to memorize it finally last night. I had to rewrite numbers and ratios and think of patterns to help memorize. Okay so maybe memorizing isn't so bad, but having 15 minutes to fill in a completely blank unit circle. I do not do well with time restraints, at all. So to sum it up: Pre-Calc = torture.

First Thoughts On American Romanticism

Some of the ideas are a little to far out there for my taste. Some of the ideas are really weird and I don't agree with. The whole "everythings just a figure of your imagination" is just too out there. Some though I like and I do agree with. I agree that you should follow your heart no matter what others think. I agree that you should live each day to the fullest and not have many regrets. Regretting just wastes time. If you regret one day, you miss out on another, then your regretting missing out on that day, which makes you miss another, and its just a never ending cycle. You'll get hung up in regret and you'll miss your chance to live.

White Day Lunch

Everybody knows someone who yells embarrassing things at the top of their lungs or inappropriate things. Well, I'm not going to use names but on white days I eat lunch at a table that has one of these people. One day the subject of intruders in the commons area came up. And we were discussing what we would do if there was a gunman. Well, this girl says loudly and clearly, "Well I would just seduce him, all guys want one thing." I swear, the rest of us laughed so hard we cried. Then the other day we were talking about a certain doctor and she yells, "they'd have to chain me!" and of course we took it as in the doctor would have to chain her to the bed and so we were laughing hysterically. Yesterday, this ones random, my friends Marley and LB were talking about colored pants, like when teachers wear odd colored pants well ____ just yells "EWWW!" and we're all like whats wrong with you and start laughing. Then we were talking about gum, and the digestion of gum and that sort of thing. Well my friend Ashley shared an, um, interesting experience with us this time it really was an "ew" thing but the funny thing is ____ comes in the middle of the conversation with a very loud delayed reaction and yells, "EWW THAT'S GROSS!" Ashley, Marley, and I are still laughing about this. I love white day lunch.

Take Care of Your Own Kid!

I'm 16 years old and my cousin is 4. For some apparent reason my aunt and uncle seem to think that I'm perfectly willing to give up my free time and my social life to take care of their kid. They came over for the 4th of July. Bre, my cousin, has a really bad temper. Well she was throwing a tantrum and so i was talking her out of it standin right in front of her parents, and all they said is "Bre, Shelbey said stay here" I was like wow way to be a parent. A few weeks later my uncle was working on my Grandma's roof and my aunt was waiting on him hand and foot as usual. Well Bre was getting and attitude and was being rude so I was going to take her inside for a 5 minute time out. Well she wasn't having that she started throwing a fit and i had to carry her into the house. All my aunt said was "Bre listen to Shelbey" I wanted to yell "I shouldn't be the one doing this!" but I didn't I went ahead and stopped her from acting that way. because if I don't no one will. On Halloween, guess who took her Trick or Treating. Me. I didn't mind until her parents left about half way through becuase they ordered a pizza. At one house the lady at the door said, "looks like mom's got a broken arm" referring to me. It's sad when your grandma's neighbor thinks I'm the kid's mom becuase I'm the one with her all the time. I just wish they would grow up and take care of their kid instead of making me do it all the time. Don't get me wrong I love Bre and I love spending time with her, but theres a fine line between that and raising her.

Black Friday

On Thanksgiving my dad, stepmom, my brother and I went to Edinburgh, IN to shop. We left our house at 8:00 PM because the mall opened up at midnight. It was like 35 degrees and the wind was blowing, when we got there my dad and I had to use the restroom. So my brother and stepmom went into the first store and me and my dad went to use the bathroom. We walked all the way around the entire mall before we finally found one. We were frozen, my face had gone numb. Then we went and met up with Michelle and Logan and went to the next store. After we;d loaded our cart up with clothes we stood in the check out line for 45 minutes, no joke it was litterally 45 minutes I watched the time on my phone. People were constantly trying to cut in line and the people behind us were just strange. Then we walked around and found out that we walked all that way for no apparent reason beacuse there was a bathroom right there next to the store. We arrived there at midnight and we left at 5 AM. After we dropped my dad off and ate something we left and went to Owensboro and we battled the lines at JC Penny and stopped by WalMart. Some people act like they have no common sense. It really gets on my nerves when some people act like a four year old. People were throwing tantrums.

Change

When you were ten you thought you knew who your best friend was. And you swore that you would be best friend forever. I thought the same thing. But things happen and people change. So now I've found myself telling things to people I never would have thought I'd be confiding in some of the people I do because they have changed. They aren't the people they used to be and neither am I. The one person I used to tell everything to is drifting away, and it worries me because she's hanging around a bad crowd. It's just weird how people change so much in a few years

Creepers

Today I went to a genetics conference. Well afterwards we stopped to eat. Me and a few friends went in McDonalds to eat. There was this old man in there. He was making these loud moaning noises, not like "im in pain" moaning but moaning, you catch my drift. Well we got up to leave after we finished eating. He was at a booth near the door. As we walked by he said "Hey girls," in a creepy "im hitting on you" way. I whisper "wtf" to my friends as we hurried out the door. One of them told me that hed made a comment to another girl. What a creeper!

Inside Jokes && Memories

Me and my friends have tons of inside jokes and memories.
Here's a few

3 words-- Stairs freshman year
2 words-- Orange juice
Corona Man!
When's the corn due?
Que si pregunta por mi!
"Strawberry Wine"
Long hair + Gum + Sneeze = laughter to tears(=
"I would seduce him"
"I don't wanna sit by the curtain!"
"Don't leave me in the porta-potty!"
Mr. Mattingly-- 'nuff said.
Te'Lynn sneezes in science in 8th grade.
Sean getting hit by the wall.
Hope, Frankie, Jordi and me--Mrs. Stimle's FCS class.
"Isabel, Jose Shut Up!"
Whitney- "Up your butt and around the corner!"
Mrs. Settles- "Whitney Sandefur watch your mouth!"
drains in mrs. Eans's class.

My Common Sense VS My Heart

My most prized possession is the stuffed monkey Travis gave to me on my 9th birthday. It sits in it's place, the top shelf of the headboard above my head. Sometimes it leaves, but only if I'm having a bad day. My first love was Timothy. He's a seventeen year old MMA fighter. He may be a tough brawler on the outside but he's kind by nature and is very sweet.In July he showed some serious errors in judgment he said some things that hurt me deeply; things i couldn't forgive him for so our relationship ended. If he called me asking for my stuffed monkey I don't know if I'd give it to him. For one, why on earth would a seventeen year old MMA fighter need a stuffed animal? Also I don't know if I could trust him to return it in one piece. I mean his record of taking care of fragile things isn't great. He broke my heart, who's to say he won't also break the thing closest to it. Part of me would trust him enough not to do anything to hurt me again, I mean he did swear he'd never hurt me again. Yet there's still that part of me that says, why should you believe him you'd be setting yourself up for more hurt. So, no I don't think I'd give it to him, he hurt me and made me suffer he should have to do the same.

Elephant Road

When she was four years old Sarah's family moved into a new subdivision in their town. The streets were named after different wild animals. She lived on the corner of Elephant Road and Zebra Ave. She watched as new streets developed as she was growing up. Two blocks over they built large tudor homes on Girraffe Street. A new family moved in when she was fifteen. They had a son the same age as her named Taylor. Every day in the summer she and Taylor walked along the side of the streets talking laughing and joking. One night they were standing there on the corner of Elephant Road and Zebra Ave. Before she walked up her driveway to go into her house he grabbed her hand, whispered I love you, and kissed her cheek. She will forever remember falling in love on the corner of elephant street.

Fireflies

Everyone has a song that when they hear it it makes threm happy no matter how bad of a mood there in. The one song I hear that makes me smile every time is "Fireflies" by Owl City. For some reason it just makes me very happy. You should listen to it sometime(=.

GASZLCNBW

Going to Gatlinburg was the most fun car ride I’d ever been on. Although Travis flipped out driving up the mountain we had a great time laughing and joking in the very back row of the van. Silly little games were played such as the alphabet game, I spy, and staring contests. Zany singing to the radio helped pass the time quickly. Lazy silence often fell only to be broken by laughter. Cars zoomed past, the locals who knew their way through town. Nashville passed before our eyes in a blur. Breathtaking views of the mountains soon came before us. Whenever I think about summer vacation I think about this trip and being crammed in the backseat with my best friend.

Wishing to Relive

I'm sitting with my best friend, our feet are tangling off the dock and we're kicking our feet in the water. We're talking about the trip to Gatlinburg we'd taken the week before. I'm making fun of Travis because he had freaked out as we were driving up the mountain to the cabin. I screamed in exaggerated, mock horror, "We're gonna run off the road! Oh my gosh we're gonna fall!" I laugh at him. He acts mad but I can see him grin. He shoves me playfully and I almost fall into the muddy water. We both start laughing hysterically. "Watch it loser!" he said as if it were my fault. I splash him with the cool lake water and laugh. "Im gonna get you" he said laughing. I say "You know you love me Travis." he replies "Yes, but I'm still gonna get you back!" he shoves me hard sending me toppling into the lake. When my head emerges I see him cackling on the dock. I grab his legs and pull him in with me. We climb back out before anyone sees us. After we finish laughing we sit there and watch the sun set while we dry a little. As it begins to get dark we walk towards to car his arm around my shoulders laughing the whole way there.

Halloween Dance

Our school just had our CEC Halloween Dance. It was alot of fun. Seeing the kids' enjoying themselves being all dressed up was amazing. There was a costume contest and prizes. The highlight of my evening was slowdancing with Chase and linking arms with him and walking around the commons area. It was really sweet(:

Fall Broken.

When my teachers said have a nice break I took it litterally. On the first day of fall break I got my permit. My mom let me drive part of the way home. I did great on the road; but the driveway, well not so much. I didn't cut the wheel enough and almost ran into the ditch. My mom grabbed the wheel and dodged the first tree but she yelled. I panicked and instead of hitting the gas I hit the other tree. I broke my wrist in the process. Then two days later I found out that it needed sugery. So Friday I had a screw put in my wrist. Needless to say I didn't have a great break.

Alone

There's only been one time in my life where I felt truly alone. It was about a month after Travis died. It seemed that anything good that happened to me wasn't even worth it because he wasn't there for me to share it with. If something bad happened it was 10 times worse because he wasn't there to help me through it. It was like I had nobody, and no one really understood how I could possibly feel that way with all the people I had around me. They just didn't get how strong of a bond I'd built with Travis and how I felt lost now that his death had broken it.

BFF's

What is a best friend? It varies from person to person. For some it's the person you've been in school with since kindergarten and you have stupid little fights every other day. For others it's the kid in your neighborhood you've grown up with. Some people have just one best friend others have a few. My very best friend is Alex. He's the friend that will let me cry and cry for as long as I need to and talk me through it and then will start cracking jokes or saying random things to make me laugh. He knows me better than anyone else. Last night on the phone he asked me what I was doing, I gave him the same reply I always do: "Nothing, just watching TV." I said it in a normal voice, but he knew. He goes, okay what's wrong you sound upset. It's almost scary how well he knows me. He can tell automatically when I'm upset and he knows how hard to press me to talk about it. Last night after I'd talk to him about what was bothering me he started doing funny things to cheer me up. We also have the kind of relationship where we make fun of each other all the time but it's all in good fun. Out of all my friends I've had more arguments with him but, usually we get over it like an hour later. He's the friend that I'll call at 2:00 AM just to talk about my problems and he's always there for me. We can sit on the phone both upset talk about it and cry and then sit there and not say anything and still we'll feel better just knowing that theres someone on the other side of the phone who knows what your going through. He's the greatest.

Stuck

They say there are seven stages of grief: Shock or Disbelief, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression, Acceptance and Hope. Some people pass through these stages with relative ease, but others not so much. Shock, Denial, and Bargaining go quickly for most; it's the last for that some people get hung up on. I'm one of those people I was guilty for the longest time after Travis died, I kept thinking maybe if I was in that car I could have somehow kept him alive. Ever since I've been stuck between anger and depression. I haven't been full out depressed or completely angry but a mixture of the two. I think the reason I haven't been able to move past is because I never really grieved. I cried yes, but not for long. I felt the need to hold it together for the people around me and for his family. I've never been the type to cry where people could see me or hear me. So instead of sobbing I held everything in. Instead of talking about it I just thought it better I kept it to myself. Now, though I'm beginning to talk about it, and feeling the need to talk about it and him. I'm beginning to let myself really grieve for Travis.

Exactly the same and Completely different

Saturday after I finished working at the school rummage sale I thought I was going to my grandma's. My dad, however, just passed up her road in Lewisport and kept driving out towards Hawesville.
"Dad," I said, "Mamaw's road was back there."
"I know," he said, "your going to Travis's. Meredith wants to talk to you"
My heart skipped a few beats; I hadn't been there since the funeral. We pulled into his super long uphill driveway and my dad let me out of the truck. I tentatively walked up the stairs and tapped on the door. I remembered that just 2 years ago I didn't even have to knock I could just enter. Things were different now, or so I thought. Meredith answered the door and smiled.
"Shelbey, you ought to know by now you don't have to knock here," she said.
"I know, I just thought, I don't know," I'd said awkwardly following her in the house. It hadn't changed a bit in the 2 years. Pictures of Travis and his older brother Chase still lined the walls. The sofa was the same, the pale green paint was the same. It even smelled the same. She called me to her house just to talk. She wanted to talk about the accident and just Travis overall. She had us both crying after about 45 minutes and a few photo albums. Then she topped it off by showing me Travis's room. She hadn't touched it. The bed was still unmade, there were still piles of clothes everywhere. Stacks of Cd's were piled on the furniture. I knew the blink-182 CD was out of it's case and in the stereo. PS2 games were strewn across the floor and the controllers were tangled and laying in front of the TV. It still smelled like him too, Axe with a hint of mint because he always had gum. Then I saw the pictures on his table; they were of me and him one from each year from the time I was 3 and he was 5 until a week before the accident. It felt like someone had punched me in the chest. It was like finding out he'd died all over again. It was all too much. Everything was the same and every thing was completely and totally different all at once. The emotions were so overwhelming. I was sad, angry, and had the odd desire to laugh all at once. I think that being there in his room without him just made it really hit me that he was gone. It was a horribly wonderful experience. It wasn't fun by any means; but it was what I needed. I knew I was the only one Meredith had let into his room, even though she didn't tell me. I was the only one who had a special bond with her youngest son, and the memories of that would be what kept Travis's spirit alive; that is why she didn't change his room. That is why everything was exactly the same and completely different all at once.

Hectic Weeks

This past week I had soo much going on. Monday I had an academic team meet in Cloverport and I didnt get home until 9:50 PM. Wednesday I had Travis's memorial to go to it lasted until 8:00 PM. Friday I went to the football game which was over at 9:00 PM but my ride was late so I got home at around ten. I had to wake up at 5:15 the next morning because I had to be at school at 6:50 for the rummage sale that ran until noon. All of this was on top of the mountains of homework I'd been given this whole week. Needless to say I took a nap after church on Sunday. Getting up at 4:45 each morning and finally falling asleep at 11:00 PM catches up to you on Sunday's I guess.

Attention Hounds

Don't you hate it when you go to a funeral or memorial service and people that barely even knew the dearly departed are suddenly they're best friends? Last night at Travis's memorial this girl that had known Travis barely a month before he died and didn't even really know him (she just thought he was good looking) showed up. She was at the funeral too, bawling her eyes out like they'd known each other years and were super close. Last night she was trying to talk about how much she misses him every day and all the things they did together. Okay, 1. they never hung out or did anything together, they barely knew each other at all. 2, you don't come to a place where his family and actual friends are celebrating his life and mourning his death. I was so angry with her, finally she left realizing that she was making a fool of herself, and that she wasn't getting sympathy or positive attention from anyone. I really just hate people that are so attention hungry, that they would disrespect someone who has died and their friends and family so much.

R.I.P Travis Andrew Whittaker-- September 30, 1991- May 29, 2007

Travis Andrew Whittaker was my best friend growing up. His life was cut short when he was 16 by a drunk driver. Today would be his 18th birthday. His favorite holiday was Halloween so I asked his mom to send me a picture from Halloween. That was him when he was 5. I didn't know that 10 short years later would be his last Halloween.

May 29, 2007-- The Worst Day of My Life

Travis and I were walking around my grandparents’ subdivision in Hancock County. We were talking about a party that was two days away. There was a breeze blowing off the river.
“We’ve got to go to that party, everyone’s saying it’s supposed to be the best party of the summer,” he told me. I could tell by the look in his grey eyes that he really wanted to go to this one.
“Alright, alright we’ll go,” I said laughing.
Later that night my aunt told me she needed a sitter for the 29th, the day of the party.
“Can’t you get someone else me and Travis have plans?” I’d begged
“I’m sorry, but you’re the only person that can do it on short notice. You and Travis can hang out Friday.”
“Fine,” I’d finally said.
I called Travis and told him I couldn’t go. At first he said he wouldn’t go but I said I didn’t mind him going without me. He told me he’d stop by afterwards to tell me how it was. We didn’t go to parties often because of the drinking and stuff that went on there, we felt a little awkward because we were some of the few that weren’t doing that. Well 1:00 AM rolled around and no Travis. At 1:30 his mother called me and said she was on her way to pick me up and not to ask questions. I got in the car with her and to my surprise we crossed the Tell City bridge and went to Perry County hospital. Immediately my heart dropped into my stomach. While we waited his mother explained that while he was on his way home a drunk driver slammed into his car. Then everyone was quiet. The only thing I heard was a buzzing. There was a sickly clean smell in the air. When the doctor came out I thought they were going to let me go see him and he’d be fine. Then he shook his head sadly and told us they couldn’t save him. I got extremely dizzy and the air felt thick and hard to breathe. There was a massive lump in my throat and I hit my knees. I didn’t stop crying for four days. I couldn’t eat or sleep. Every year on his birthday and the Sunday nearest the 29th his friends and family all get together at our church and have a memorial. Every time I hear his name I feel a pang in my heart. Every time I hear someone talking about how wasted they got over the weekend and how they drove home anyway, my blood boils.

Orange Juice

Last year my friends Ashley, Kelsey and I were walking in the circles at school. Kelsey was a little ahead of us and said, "What's that?" about that time I slipped and fell down in orange juice. The twenty something people that were standing around turned and stared at me. I jumped up and I was laughing so hard I was crying. Now everytime anyone mentions orange juice Ashley and I still laugh.

Childhood Memories

I remember when I was little my friend Travis and I would always set up relay races in the back yard. We'd have to climb the apple tree and army crawl behind the blackberry bushes. We took turns setting up the course using fallen tree limbs to leap over, plastic lawn furniture to weave in and out of, and there was always a tunnel made of sheets or a tarp stretched across the clothes line. I'm still as competitive now as I was back then if not more. Looking back now it makes me laugh. Travis always thought he'd win because I was a girl, but I proved him wrong time and time again. It's funny how what used to bring me joy, now brings me sadness. When people asked me at Travis's funeral what my greatest memory of Travis was I said relay races when we were little.

*In loving memory of Travis Andrew Whittaker 9/30/91 - 5/29/07*

Extreme Makeover Home Edition

My weekend was spent at the building site for Extreme Makeover Home Edition . It was mindblowing how many pepole were there. At first I was blown away at how many caring people were there. Soon, though I figured out how selfish everyone was there. Some were there for their fifteen minutes of fame, or to get Ty's photo and autograph. Few spent eleven hours on our feet craning our necks, dehydrating, and getting sunburnt so badly you were getting chills in the 80 degree weather, to just be a part of the Mattingly family's dream. Even my closest friend openly admitted that she was there only for Ty. I was there because I wanted to see the looks on the faces of the family when they realized they went from living in an old rundown trailer to having this amazing, gorgeouse, huge house. When the house was finally revealed to the family it was so intense it brought tears to nearly everyone's eyes. The celebrities that were there were just an added bonus to being able to see the joy that was brought to the family.

Roller Coaster

Life is like a roller coaster. The ups and downs, and twists and turns keep us constantly second guessing ourselves and others around us. Sometimes you end up feeling lost and confused and your no longer sure of anything. You begin to hide things from people, and you lose sense of reality. That's in a way how I came up with this poem, when my life was especially tumultuous.

“Twist of Fate”

Secrets in the form of poison
Stain those lips of yours
Whispers of your lies
Don’t stop despite the implores

Reality seems to fade
You enter the dreamlike state
Darkness begins to beckon
In a bizarre twist of fate

Caught in your tangled web
Honesty you can no longer fake
Desperate to be free
Though promises you continue to break

Your whole world comes undone
Remorse turns to hate
Engulfed by a sea of shame
In a bizarre twist of fate

Finding Home

The other day I was thinking about the mistakes I'd made this summer and how easy it is for people to lose the ability to trust others. I noticed how hard it was to get their trust back and get back on the right path, but no matter what you can get there; sometimes it just takes a while. These thoughts inspired me to right this poem called "Home."

"Home"

Feeling lost inside
Regret you can no longer deny
All the lies you tried to hide
Remorse and truth you cannot defy

Gliding through life
As though it were a dream
Oblivious to struggles and strife
Nothing is what it seems

Lost in a place
Reality taking control
Seeking a familiar face
Take the dive and go

Finding truth
Your one last hope
Reaching salvation
You’re finally home

This Game

“This Game”

Hiding behind fear
Fighting in shame
Soon it will all disappear
You’ll lose this game

Pride is a curse
One which we all bear
Ignorance is worse
True though unfair

A need for a name
Our souls are a stranger
We are losing this game
Unaware of apparent danger

Arrogance and sin
Virtue and Bliss
Back up and start again
One last shot don’t miss

Evil has a leer
Demons within no longer tame
All have begun to disappear
We have lost this game

"An Owl's Cry"

A whoosh and a swish
The wind in my face
In the night air’s cool embrace
This is a feeling anyone else could only wish

Soaring through a cloud
The green earth below
Feeling so proud
I wish I could go

But alas all I see is bars no winds of the night
Wanting nothing more than to fly
Stretch my wings and take flight
This is the reason for an owl’s cry