Halloween Dance

Our school just had our CEC Halloween Dance. It was alot of fun. Seeing the kids' enjoying themselves being all dressed up was amazing. There was a costume contest and prizes. The highlight of my evening was slowdancing with Chase and linking arms with him and walking around the commons area. It was really sweet(:

Fall Broken.

When my teachers said have a nice break I took it litterally. On the first day of fall break I got my permit. My mom let me drive part of the way home. I did great on the road; but the driveway, well not so much. I didn't cut the wheel enough and almost ran into the ditch. My mom grabbed the wheel and dodged the first tree but she yelled. I panicked and instead of hitting the gas I hit the other tree. I broke my wrist in the process. Then two days later I found out that it needed sugery. So Friday I had a screw put in my wrist. Needless to say I didn't have a great break.

Alone

There's only been one time in my life where I felt truly alone. It was about a month after Travis died. It seemed that anything good that happened to me wasn't even worth it because he wasn't there for me to share it with. If something bad happened it was 10 times worse because he wasn't there to help me through it. It was like I had nobody, and no one really understood how I could possibly feel that way with all the people I had around me. They just didn't get how strong of a bond I'd built with Travis and how I felt lost now that his death had broken it.

BFF's

What is a best friend? It varies from person to person. For some it's the person you've been in school with since kindergarten and you have stupid little fights every other day. For others it's the kid in your neighborhood you've grown up with. Some people have just one best friend others have a few. My very best friend is Alex. He's the friend that will let me cry and cry for as long as I need to and talk me through it and then will start cracking jokes or saying random things to make me laugh. He knows me better than anyone else. Last night on the phone he asked me what I was doing, I gave him the same reply I always do: "Nothing, just watching TV." I said it in a normal voice, but he knew. He goes, okay what's wrong you sound upset. It's almost scary how well he knows me. He can tell automatically when I'm upset and he knows how hard to press me to talk about it. Last night after I'd talk to him about what was bothering me he started doing funny things to cheer me up. We also have the kind of relationship where we make fun of each other all the time but it's all in good fun. Out of all my friends I've had more arguments with him but, usually we get over it like an hour later. He's the friend that I'll call at 2:00 AM just to talk about my problems and he's always there for me. We can sit on the phone both upset talk about it and cry and then sit there and not say anything and still we'll feel better just knowing that theres someone on the other side of the phone who knows what your going through. He's the greatest.

Stuck

They say there are seven stages of grief: Shock or Disbelief, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt, Anger, Depression, Acceptance and Hope. Some people pass through these stages with relative ease, but others not so much. Shock, Denial, and Bargaining go quickly for most; it's the last for that some people get hung up on. I'm one of those people I was guilty for the longest time after Travis died, I kept thinking maybe if I was in that car I could have somehow kept him alive. Ever since I've been stuck between anger and depression. I haven't been full out depressed or completely angry but a mixture of the two. I think the reason I haven't been able to move past is because I never really grieved. I cried yes, but not for long. I felt the need to hold it together for the people around me and for his family. I've never been the type to cry where people could see me or hear me. So instead of sobbing I held everything in. Instead of talking about it I just thought it better I kept it to myself. Now, though I'm beginning to talk about it, and feeling the need to talk about it and him. I'm beginning to let myself really grieve for Travis.

Exactly the same and Completely different

Saturday after I finished working at the school rummage sale I thought I was going to my grandma's. My dad, however, just passed up her road in Lewisport and kept driving out towards Hawesville.
"Dad," I said, "Mamaw's road was back there."
"I know," he said, "your going to Travis's. Meredith wants to talk to you"
My heart skipped a few beats; I hadn't been there since the funeral. We pulled into his super long uphill driveway and my dad let me out of the truck. I tentatively walked up the stairs and tapped on the door. I remembered that just 2 years ago I didn't even have to knock I could just enter. Things were different now, or so I thought. Meredith answered the door and smiled.
"Shelbey, you ought to know by now you don't have to knock here," she said.
"I know, I just thought, I don't know," I'd said awkwardly following her in the house. It hadn't changed a bit in the 2 years. Pictures of Travis and his older brother Chase still lined the walls. The sofa was the same, the pale green paint was the same. It even smelled the same. She called me to her house just to talk. She wanted to talk about the accident and just Travis overall. She had us both crying after about 45 minutes and a few photo albums. Then she topped it off by showing me Travis's room. She hadn't touched it. The bed was still unmade, there were still piles of clothes everywhere. Stacks of Cd's were piled on the furniture. I knew the blink-182 CD was out of it's case and in the stereo. PS2 games were strewn across the floor and the controllers were tangled and laying in front of the TV. It still smelled like him too, Axe with a hint of mint because he always had gum. Then I saw the pictures on his table; they were of me and him one from each year from the time I was 3 and he was 5 until a week before the accident. It felt like someone had punched me in the chest. It was like finding out he'd died all over again. It was all too much. Everything was the same and every thing was completely and totally different all at once. The emotions were so overwhelming. I was sad, angry, and had the odd desire to laugh all at once. I think that being there in his room without him just made it really hit me that he was gone. It was a horribly wonderful experience. It wasn't fun by any means; but it was what I needed. I knew I was the only one Meredith had let into his room, even though she didn't tell me. I was the only one who had a special bond with her youngest son, and the memories of that would be what kept Travis's spirit alive; that is why she didn't change his room. That is why everything was exactly the same and completely different all at once.

Hectic Weeks

This past week I had soo much going on. Monday I had an academic team meet in Cloverport and I didnt get home until 9:50 PM. Wednesday I had Travis's memorial to go to it lasted until 8:00 PM. Friday I went to the football game which was over at 9:00 PM but my ride was late so I got home at around ten. I had to wake up at 5:15 the next morning because I had to be at school at 6:50 for the rummage sale that ran until noon. All of this was on top of the mountains of homework I'd been given this whole week. Needless to say I took a nap after church on Sunday. Getting up at 4:45 each morning and finally falling asleep at 11:00 PM catches up to you on Sunday's I guess.